The Last Eight Years

 I've had panic attacks and social anxiety since I was a little kid. I didn't tell my mom about the panic attacks because I didn't know what they were. I tried to ignore them and would just hope that they wouldn't happen. Growing up, I struggled with speaking to people on the phone, even to relatives and people that I knew. Standing in line to order a sandwich, the panic attack would hit me and sometimes parts of my body became paralyzed, usually it would by my neck and head, sometimes a leg. I would desperately try to calm down, breathe, and act normal. Being accompanied by someone who I knew out in public would help keep the panic attacks at bay. Alone, however, I was fair game. Unless I was with a friend or someone I knew, I avoided doing things out in public and going places.

After high school, I briefly went to a community college, but alcohol and friends got in the way. After one term of community college, I made the choice to live a pastor and his family instead of staying with my mom and that was a mistake. I made some new friends. As a way to avoid the panic, I gravitated more and more to doing things with them. Hanging out with friends was great, as long as I was with them I could actually do things and have fun. My friends were unaware of my panic attacks and I didn't confide in anyone about them until over a decade later. 

I grew up going to church. After high school I stopped going to church. I wanted to be cool and fit in with my friends so more and more I adopted their sense of humor, listened to their music, and did what they did. I wanted to be normal and to fit in. Gradually, I stopped praying and practicing the things that I had learned in Christianity. I stopped trying to avoid committing sins and would do what my friends were doing.

Right after high school I discovered alcohol. Alcohol! What an incredible elixir of joy! A drink that simultaneously makes you feel good and removes all anxiety?! I was in heaven. I didn't have a girlfriend in high school and didn't have a clue how any of that worked, part due to the anxiety and in part due to my upbringing and Christianity. As time went on, drinking took up more and more of my focus and time. Before I turned twenty-one, there were limits to how much I could drink because I relied on friends and others to buy alcohol for me. 

Then I turned twenty-one. At about this time my friends moved away to Beaverton to be close to Portland. Simultaneously, my friends were gone and so were the limits on my drinking. I began binge drinking heavily where I was staying in Sweet Home and I became depressed. What had I done with my life? What was wrong with me? My relationships with people became increasingly damaged due to my behavior and drinking. My conduct as an employee continued to decay. Then I moved to Beaverton and became roommates with my friends. I was ecstatic. I tried to become sober when I moved in with them, because on some level I understood that there was a problem. I couldn't stay sober. Frustrated at not getting promoted at work and at the state of my finances, I began to binge drink again. A couple roommates needled me about Christianity one evening and got me thinking about some of the claims of the bible. I talked to a coworker who was an atheist. I began listening to the debates and lectures of Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, and Daniel Dennett and reading online. I became an atheist when I was about twenty-two and it was a really painful experience. By that time, all of my friends had lost their virginity and I was embarassed. I didn't want anyone to know that I was still a virgin. I began to destroy my relationships with my roommates as my drinking got worse. I left and moved back to Sweet Home. I worked at Walmart in Lebanon. I went on a few dates with a coworker who had just broken up with her boyfriend. One day when I was hanging out with her I smoked weed from her bong and got way too high. Alcohol was always my drug of choice and I didn't have any tolerance for weed. I couldn't even eat a piece pizza because I was so stoned. That relationship went south and it was extremely humiliating and horrible. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. It might be the worst experience of my life. She was smiling and laughing at work and things seemed okay for a few days. Then she and other coworkers began to harass me and treat me differently. I was mortified. I was so embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know that I was still a virgin and now everyone knew. I began freaking out. I didn't know what to do. I quit my job at Walmart and moved back in with my mom. I told my mom that I had been humiliated, but I didn't really explain the situation to her. I wasn't looking for work and I was avoiding going outside. I didn't want to drive through town and have anyone see me. I felt horrible. I was having a mental health crisis, I guess. I drove back to Beaverton. I was hoping that my former friends, who I had broken things off with, would help me and give me a place to stay. They didn't and I was homeless in my car for six months while I worked at a Motel 6. I wanted to kill myself. I probably would have committed suicide if I had owned a gun. On any given night cops could wake me up and tell me to move on from whichever parking lot I happened to be in. Once in a while my two former friends, Alec and Raider, would let me take a shower at their apartment and hang out for a little while. One evening, I found a place to park off a road that led to the restoration company where they both worked. It was a patch of dirt next to a tree where I had seen cars park before. I began parking there every night and subsequently cops never found me to disturb my sleep. I worked at the Motel 6 for a while. After six months of living in my Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo, Alec and Raider got me hired on at the restoration company where they worked and let me move in with them. I was extremely grateful. I worked at the restoration company long enough to save up a few grand. My behavior while I was working there wasn't normal, I was paranoid that coworkers would discover that I was a virgin and would treat me differently again. I think I was twenty-four at that point. When Raider and Alec both moved, I rented an apartment in the same complex in King City. I quit working at the restoration company because a coworker named Nick and other coworkers had been harassing me. Just like at the Walmart in Lebanon, the harassment and being treated differently had happened again. I got a job at what was called Smart Foodservice Warehouse back then, Chef' Store now, and tried to get sober. I had been sober for a month and had begun running again. I was happy and one morning at work I called Alec to see how he was doing. I told him where I was working. Through Raider and Alec, Raider's friend Nick found out where I was working. A couple days after that phone call, I was walking towards the front of the store from the produce department. I stopped in my tracks. I saw Nick standing at a register talking to a cashier, named Cody, and I saw the expression of shock on Cody's face. My emotions fell into my stomach. I don't know how to explain it. It felt like something breaking. I had a panic attack and went outside to take a break. I had no idea what Nick said to my coworkers at the store in Aloha and I still don't. I assumed that he told them that I was a virgin. I don't know what lies or rumors he spread about me. I was humiliated again and I felt horrible. During the next week or two, Nick would show up at the store and pretend to be shopping with a big smirk on his face while he made sure that I saw him. Finally, he stopped showing up. I gave up on sobriety. I stopped hoping that I could turn my life around or lose my virginity. I began drinking again to deal with the stress, fear, embarassment, being treated differently, and anger. I was afraid of more harassment. After that, coworkers treated me differently and would periodically harass me and insult me. Assistant Manager Dan would call me things like an "epsilon" and would insult me in front of customers. Another assistant manager whistled when he saw me and commented on how ugly I was. The Store Manager, Ray, and Assistant Manager Dan would play Oktoberfest music over the intercom in the morning sometimes to harass me. Ray would say, "Oh, the music is on satellite and I can't change it." A simple lie. Customers, one in particular, would call me a chimp, a racist, a chica, a borracho, a burro, etc. Babushka. My managers and coworkers, rather than doing anything about the harassment that I was going through, were a part of the harassment. A guy standing at the register next to mine one day said, "Pure as the driven snow." A woman who I was ringing up and talking to one day said, "Dracula." I mostly worked the graveyard shift in the produce department at that store, but some of the time I was a cashier. It was a struggle to not commit suicide during the three years that I worked at the Chef' store in Aloha and lived in King City. I felt like I could never go back to Sweet Home, that I could never go home or see my family again. When my mom or dad would call me, I would tell them that things were fine.

People began to harass me out in public, outside of the store. People who I didn't know. One morning when I was driving to work, a group of strangers were standing on the sidewalk near the the store all together to harass me. One night, a guy across the treat in front of the Plaid Pantry was marching in an exaggerated fashion while loudly shouting, "Left! Right! Left! Right!" A girl walking with her mom outside my apartment in King City called me, "Jesus." I ran eight miles to work one night because my car had broken down and during the run a woman in a car with the windows rolled down called me, "Jesus." Being harassed by coworkers and by people out in public at that store for three years was a living nightmare. The worst part of every day when I worked the graveyard shift was the last hour when the store would open and customers and coworkers would arrive. Over time my posture suffered and would increasingly look at the ground as I tried to avoid people and the harassment. I never knew if or how people were going to harass me on any given day. Paying my rent was difficult and every year it went up. I couldn't save up money and I was constantly worried that my car would break down. Even more than harassment, I feared being homeless again. So I continued to work and pay my rent. The three years of harassment and mind games while I worked in Aloha was a living hell and I drank to avoid committing suicide. I tried to ignore the harassment, insults, mind games, and lies. Every day I would try to get back to my apartment as quickly as I could, lock the door, and avoid harassment and pain. One of the good things about working graveyard was that it helped me to avoid people. While they were asleep, I was awake. 

There were a few things that kept me from committing suicide when I lived in King City. One was anger and resentment. I blamed other people for how my life had turned out. I blamed Shyann, my mom, Christianity, etc for being a virgin and never having had a girlfriend. I was angry at the coworkers and the strangers out in public who were harassing me, I felt like they were trying to drive me into committing suicide or giving up or something. The anger and hatred became a reason to not kill myself, fuck them. Alcohol was another thing that I used to avoid killing myself when I got angry or upset or depressed or lonely. The third thing that stopped me from killing myself was thinking about the pain it would cause my parents.

One morning, Assistant Manager Daniels walked up to me and said, "You won the lottery. You should go to a casino." Another day, Store Manager Ray told me, "Get ready." I had no idea what they referencing and I treated their remarks the same way that I had been treating the harassment, insults, innuendos, references, and mind games: I ignored them. I don't know what they meant. One day, Dan was at a register and a customer asked him what was going on. Dan replied that he didn't know. Then the customer asked him if they had played Oktoberfest music over the intercom the other day and Dan nervously denied it with a quick, No." I stood there and also wondered what was going on, I wish I knew. Over time, the harassment became worse and worse in Aloha. More and more people would harass me and insult me. It was a surreal living hell for three years. I had just wanted to be left alone, to get sober, to try to turn things around. Why couldn't people just leave me alone? If I had won the lottery while living in King City then I could have moved somewhere far away and avoided harassment. Only someone truly and profoundly stupid or a liar would have ever told me that I had "won the lottery" or was "lucky" or had "won" something. 

On the night shift, I worked with a guy named Anthony. We would talk about news and podcasts and stuff like that. One night he suggested that I make a blog. I laughed it off and said no way, me? A blog? That's the last thing that I should do. I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. But later I was bored and drinking in my apartment and decided to make an anonymous Twitter (now X) account. What a terrible mistake that was. I had always enjoyed the idea of being a writer and at first I was just posting different random things. Then I began commenting on other peoples' posts and accidently became a troll I guess. One day at work, Tyler said, "You are just a troll." First off, I didn't know what an internet troll was and secondly, how the hell did my coworker know that I had made an anonymous Twitter account? I thought that no one in a million years would ever notice or care about anything I said on Twitter. Weird. "Bruh." Christ did that guy say "bruh" a lot. 

At around three years of working there, I finally agreed to move in with Tyler, a coworker, and his friends. I didn't trust Tyler and I had said no when he offered to split rent on a place before. My rent and bills were so high at that point that I agreed.

I moved in with Tyler and two of his friends. At first I felt okay about it, but I knew that having roommates meant that they could kick me out and make me homeless again. I was afraid of being homeless again. One day, in the living room Tyler said, "So that's the cure." The harassment at work continued. My room in the new place was upstairs next to their computer gaming room. I couldn't sleep because of the noise from them playing games. I began having panic attacks that were worse than I ever could have imagined. I didn't know that panic attacks could get that bad. I began to wonder if I was in some kind of reality tv show or something because of all the harassment and weird shit that had been going on for the last three years. I couldn't handle the possibility that I was in a reality tv show. I didn't understand what was happening and no one has ever explained anything. I began to have terrifying and horrible panic attacks where I was dissociating and I thought that I was other people. At one point I thought that I was my deceased father. I was in my car in line at a Covid testing site and I was having a horrible panic attack where I was talking out loud. A person got out of their car and walked over to look at me. I might've thought that I was an android at that point. One day I tried to go to my graveyard shift even though I hadn't slept. I parked next to the store and a heavyset guy was jogging past me with a smirk on his face. Tyler and his roommates kicked me out and I couldn't do my job anymore. I apologized to my managers and quit my job. 

Then I asked my aunt and uncle for help. My uncle had a long career in the military. I went to the Oregon coast and they allowed me to stay in an airstream trailer next to their house. Now the harassment could end. No one knew I was there. I could get sober. I was still commenting on Twitter, maybe there was something that I could say that would make people leave me alone. One night I went outside for a walk. A car pulled up a few dozen feet away from me and stopped in the road with a back door open. People began recognizing me out in public. Surreal. Horrible. Terrifying. The harassment and mind games hadn't stopped. I began to drink again. 

I got a job at the Fred Meyer in Newport. When I started working there, coworkers and managers reacted weirdly to me. One coworker in the produce department reacted to me excitedly, it was bizarre and I didn't understand it. The produce department manager would say weird things like, "You are so lucky" and "if that gay guy [insert name, he said that guy's name, but I can't remember it] was here then it would be all over." The weirdness of the remarks from coworkers and customers became worse and worse. The harassment and mind games hadn't ended and I began to have horrible panic attacks again, even while working at the store. Managers, coworkers, and strangers would say things to harass me and would play mind games to harass me. One produce worker shouted, "You are invisible bro, I can't even see you!" Strangers would walk past me and open their mouths widely to mock me somehow, perhaps to call me mentally handicapped or something, I don't know. A guy in the produce department asked a new hire at one point, "Is he a tweeker?" The newly hired guy responded, "I don't know, probably." People began to shout at me out in public and in the parking lot. One day when I done working and I was driving out of the parking lot, a heavyset guy was walking down the street carrying a giant pink inflated cross and a black t-shirt with white letters that said, "Hitler Jesus." A manager at the store was wearing a rainbow clown wig to harass me one day. A woman walked through the produce department holding up her hand to her forehead in an "L" loser sign. People would flip me off out in public and would shout at me. A guy walking down the sidewalk while I drove by put his hand in the shape of a gun and pointed at me. People drove up outside my apartment in Depoe Bay one night and were dry firing a gun at my apartment. People were calling me a retard, the n-word, a Nazi, gay, a fag, crazy, a tweeker, etc. People were dressing up in costumes to harass me out in public on the Oregon coast, were shouting at me, were threatening me, and were flipping me off. People would say or shout things when they walked or drove past me to harass me. One day my aunt was in the produce department to talk to me with a creepy smile under her mask and an evil look in her eyes. I told her that I was having panic attacks and was taking an over-the-counter sleep aid to try to calm down while I was at work. On another day, a produce department coworker told me that my aunt had called the Fred Meyer to "see how I was doing."

My family helped me get an apartment in Depoe Bay while I was working at the Fred Meyer. People began to harass me and target me in Depoe Bay more and more. In the past, I could go to my apartment in King City and lock the door and avoid harassment. Not anymore. People were harassing me and targeting me where I stayed in Waldport and where I lived in Depoe Bay. It became worse and worse and worse over time. 

I couldn't handle working at the Fred Meyer anymore and I went to work at a hotel in Lincoln City. One day when I was driving to the hotel, a guy wearing a construction hard hat was half-squatted next to a fish market stand while mimicking the expression of a mentally-handicapped person in order to harass me. Coworkers and strangers continued to harass me at the hotel. 

I asked my mom for help and moved away from the coast to stay with her in Sweet Home. People continued to harass me out in public in Sweet Home and in Lebanon. I got a job at a hardware store in Lebanon and the harassment and mind games continued. Coworkers, customers, and strangers continued to call me retarded, the n-word, gay, racist, etc. Coworkers continued to harass me and play mind games. 

During the last eight years, the harassment and mind games haven't stopped. The last eight years was a surreal mind-breaking living hell. More than anything, I wish that I hadn't been alive to go through it. I've never been a racist, gay, crazy, a Nazi, a tweeker, or any of the other accusations and slurs that people have said and have shouted at me. I wish that I had never been on social media, had never been on Twitter, and had never made comments on Youtube. I'm sorry for whatever I've done that has caused people to harass me. I'm sorry for ever upsetting anyone. I'm sorry.

Today, people don't harass me and go after me as often as they used to. The last eight years was a surreal mind-breaking living hell and it has done permanent damage to my mind and emotions. I am scared of being harassed and targeted by people all the time. I struggle to calm down or to feel normal or to feel happy every day. I never feel safe. 

Some of the things that I remember people saying during the last eight years:

Aloha: "You are an epsilon." -Assistant Manager Dan. "You are a troll." -Tyler. "You are just a simp." -Tyler. "He's just an outlier."-Dan. "You won the lottery. You should go to a casino."-Daniels "Get ready."-Ray cryptically said that to me one morning. "Can you help me find the tag for this? (Extravirgin olive oil)."-Ray. "The Mother."-I was talking to Ryan when both of us were cashiering and then he turned to another cashier and said that. "No respect."-Dan "What is that shit on your face?"-The vendor at the store, Kevin. "Left! Right! Left! Right!"-A guy who I didn't know across the street at Plaid Pantry "Dracula."-A woman while I rang up her groceries. "Pure as the driven snow."-A guy standing at the register next to mine. "Ignore everything that he says." "Babushka." -customer "Chica."-customer "Borracho."-customer "We can both go to the bunny farm."-Brad "He looks like a chimp."-customer/Tyler "He just sleeps a lot."-Dan "I can't die as a virgin."-Tyler "No one cares."-Newby "Good luck."-Newby. "Have you seen the latest Venom movie?"-Daniels

King City: "Fucking Jehovah Witnesses."-A guy in the Thai restaurant near my apartment.

Tigard: "New forms of mental illness."-A guy who I worked with at Motel 6. 

The Oregon coast: "He isn't a rockstar, but he is special to some people."-Fred Meyer, a couple people talking in the produce department. A guy at the Surftides Hotel who requested something from the front desk opened the door when I knocked and said, "You are a rockstar." "West coast bad boy."-Chris, a coworker in the produce department. A woman laughing, "Passion."-Waldport, the airstream trailer at my aunt and uncle's house. "It was a lot."-Disembodied voice while I was driving away from my aunt and uncle's house. "He is hunting."-Disembodied voice in Waldport. "You are so lucky."-the produce department manager at the Fred Meyer. "You don't even know what you've won, you hot fag."-Disembodied voice of a woman in the Surftides Hotel parking lot. "Crack baby, I liked that one."-Disembodied voice of a woman in the Surftides Hotel lobby. "He's either gay or crazy and we're calling it, he's crazy."-A newly hired coworker talking to guests in the Surftides Hotel lobby. "Fag. Fag. Fag. Fag. Fag. Fag." "What is going on?!" A loud argument. "Do your job, you fucking pothead. A door slammed shut when the woman left. The younger guy continued to say, "Fag. Fag. Fag. Fag.", but in a pitiful way after he had been chastised. -Depoe Bay apartment, disembodied voices of a woman and a younger guy who had an argument when I was trying to go to sleep. "They will lie and say that you are having fun."-Depoe Bay apartment, disembodied voice of a woman. "Don't fuck with the CIA!"-The second that I woke up one morning in the Depoe Bay apartment, the disembodied voice of the woman yelling at me. "Yeah, but he's a pervert."-Disembodied voice of a guy on the phone in the Depoe Bay apartment. "Do you have any idea what you and your retarded friend did?!"-Disembodied voice of a guy in the Depoe Bay apartment. I woke up in the middle of the night in Depoe Bay because I was having a nightmare and a speaker turned on with a "bloop" sound and then a clip of Jimmy Kimmel talking began playing, "Well, I think that we can all see his personality at this point..." and after the audio ended the speaker turned off again with a "bloop" sound. "Fag! You fucking faggot!" I began to get upset. Hahaha, "We got him." I'm not gay! "Then what was with all that gay shit online?"-Two of my neighbors shouting at me in the Depoe Bay apartment. "He can hear!" "I don't care!" "Your dad would have been ashamed of you...(a long tirade of horrible things)....well if that didn't do it then nothing will."-The disembodied voices of a younger guy and girl when I was trying to take a dump in the bathroom. "We have to tell them that he's crazy." -Disembodied voice of a woman, Depoe Bay apartment. "We can't tell him and give him a big head."-Fred Meyer. "If he knew, he'd be nine feet tall."-Surftides Hotel laundry room. "Multitalented."-Fred Meyer. "It's hard to meet someone when everyone knows you're shit."-A girl standing there in the Fred Meyer produce department. "It was a sad story." "The spin is good."-Disembodied voice of a woman, Newport Fred Meyer. "They called him a Nazi", haha.-Disembodied voice of a guy in the Depoe Bay apartment. When I bought a shotgun on the coast so that I could commit suicide, the guy selling me the gun pumped his fist, smiled, and said, "It's working." "Is he a tweeker?" "I don't know, probably."-A new hire in the Fred Meyer produce department talking to some guy. "I don't think I could even drink that much."- A girl walking past me with someone in the Fred Meyer turned to stare at me and opened her mouth wide. "But I love him! He was innocent!" "It was supposed to be fun!"-Depoe Bay apartment. "Do you have any idea how much money it took to get you there?"-Disembodied voice of a woman, Depoe Bay apartment. "Five dollars to look in my ass, punk!"-A guy shouted at me in the Fred Meyer parking lot. "It has to be his idea." "Nerd!"-coworkers in the Fred Meyer deli shouting at me to harass me by saying different things. "Fuck! You!"-Chris, produce department coworker. "I called him a douchebag today."-A girl at the Fred Meyer who put together online orders. "I broke him!"-Chris. "Personally, I think he's a piece of shit."-Fred Meyer produce department manager. "You gave me everything I wanted and we barely pushed you."- Disembodied voice of a woman, Depoe Bay apartment. A younger guy and girl rapidly saying insults over and over at one point in the Depoe Bay apartment with disembodied voices, I had just walked into the apartment. "He's bisexual."-A girl in a Thai restaurant. "You're crazy!"-I was about to walk into the Newport Fred Meyer and was close to a shuttle bus. "I love you chihuaha!" -A girl in the Fred Freyer. "I think he's hot." "Morning sex."-A girl I was talking to in the Fred Meyer produce department who worked in online orders. "He was there for three years."-Two guys walking past me on the beach shortly after I got there. "They should've just paid him."-Deli employee at Fred Meyer. "You went too far, Mortality."-Disembodied voice of a guy as I walked through the Surftides Hotel parking lot. "Leave this motherfucker alone!"-Disembodied voice of a guy as I walked through the Surftides Hotel parking lot. "You are literally full of shit."-Disembodied voice of a woman in the Depoe Bay apartment. "The Truman Show."-Fred Meyer produce employee. "There is someone here who he calls 'The Kid'." -Fred Meyer employee. "I don't care if he has stomach cancer!"-Chris, a produce worker shouting in the Fred Meyer. "The golden goose."-Fred Meyer produce coworker. "Hhheeeyyyy yyyooouuuu ggguuuyyysssss!"-Fred Meyer produce coworker. "Sick."-Disembodied voice of a younger guy when I turned on the playstation 4. "Corn and porn."-Fred Meyer produce department manager. " 'You're my hero.'(in a kid voice) He'll figure it out."-Jason, produce department coworker. "I would suck a dick for a million dollars."-Jason, Fred Meyer produce coworker. "Hi Bird!" "You made him laugh."-A guy and a girl standing a distance away in the Surftides Hotel parking lot. "It's not that bad dude."-Disembodied voice, a younger guy, in the Depoe Bay apartment.  "Uh huh, oh great, good to know."-Disembodied voice of a woman, Depoe Bay apartment. I'm not gay. "We know." -Disembodied voice of a guy, Depoe Bay apartment. I wish that I had never been on social media. "We wish you hadn't either."-Disembodied voice of a guy in the breezeway next to the laundry room at the Surftides Hotel. "Does he like tobacco?"-Disembodied voice of a girl, Depoe Bay apartment. Jesse, a Jehovah Witness that I worked with once at a Thriftway, mailed a weird religious brochure to my apartment in Depoe Bay. How did he have my address? "She is still better than you."-Disembodied voice of a woman while I was driving. "You're famous."-A woman said that to me outside my Depoe Bay apartment when she was delivering food to two of my neighbors. "If we don't cheat, he'll never win."-Disembodied voice of a young guy at the Surftides Hotel. My aunt gave me a cheese ball thing that I didn't eat and then exchanged a creepy smile with my uncle on Christmas day. "They have to be careful."-Disembodied voice of a guy. "They said that they made him retarded. I don't buy it." "I just want him gone." "They're just ships."-My uncle, referring to me drinking beers on the beach one night while I was having a break with reality/dissociating. My aunt trying to lie and say that I was on drugs at Fred Meyer on Christmas day, "Your eyes were like slits." My aunt and uncle were never happier than when they were screaming at me and talking about embarrassing my career was and how my mom had "left me up to God" years ago. My aunt and uncle mailed me two cards with a dog on each one since then. The look of guilt on my aunt's face the first time that I saw them after leaving the coast, she wouldn't even look at me as she stood in my mom's kitchen next to the oven. I used to think that my dad was crazy, but based on what I remember I think that they targeted him. My dad served in the Navy. "You have to be stern with it."-disembodied voice of a woman in Depoe Bay. "He can't talk to fans."-grocery store "There it goes."-I walked past a woman taking photos of the ocean with her phone in Depoe Bay. "Why did you have to be so weird?"-A cashier at a gas station in Depoe Bay. "You're gay!"-Depoe Bay gas station cashier shouted at me across the street while I was walking. "I'm ashamed that he's from here."-A disembodied voice in the Depoe Bay apartment. "I was going to show you what you did until you fell off the wagon." -disembodied voice of a woman in the Depoe Bay apartment. "I can't believe that I went to school with this moron."-A disembodied voice in the Depoe Bay apartment. "Are you tired of being a dog?"-The disembodied voice of a guy, I was sitting on a bench close to my Depoe Bay apartment reading a book. "That's why I love him."-Disembodied voice of a woman while I was crying while I was driving. People waving at me like I was mentally-handicapped when I walked into businesses. "Are you being a good chicken?"-Laundry room coworker at the Surftides Hotel. "Oh shit, you are retarded."-A guy cashiering at a grocery store. "The Scotsman is tough."-Disembodied voice of a guy while I was driving. "They won't stop eating!"-Fred Meyer produce coworker. "Yiiip! Yiiiip! Yiiip! It's like nails on a chalkboard."-Fred Meyer produce coworker. "I hope that he blows his brains out for the crowd."-Fred Meyer seafood department employee. "Well, she is aware she has mental issues."-Fred Meyer produce coworker. "Oh yeah, he's crazy."-Fred Meyer produce worker. "How's it going today?" Good, man. "Because you are a millionaire?"-Jason, a Fred Meyer produce coworker. People walking past me in Fred Meyer and out in public calling me "gay" and playing mind games. "And all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put humpty dumpty back together again."-Fred Meyer "Feed it. Feed it. Feed it."-Disembodied voice in Depoe Bay apartment. "Feed it."-airstream trailer in Waldport. I wish that I'd never been on social media. "We wish you hadn't either."- Disembodied voice of a guy, the breezeway next to the laundry room at the Surftides Hotel. "The mare is in trouble."-Tash, manager at the Surftides Hotel. "Freak."-Security guy at the Fred Meyer. "The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round." "Little boy blue." "You were a mistake."-Maintenance guy at the Surftides Hotel.

Lebanon: "Speaking of retards."-Hardware store coworker in the break room. "Is he retarded? He looks retarded and he acts retarded."-Hardware store lumber yard manager. "N-word."-Hardware store coworker. "Here, you can draw on the back in crayon."-Hardware store customer. "A genius."-Hardware store coworker. "Brian is slow."-Hardware store lumber yard manager "Now they say he's racist. I don't even care anymore." Looks at me and opens his mouth wide.-Hardware store customer. "You're gay."-Hardware store coworker while I was walking to my car. People flipping me off when I'm driving. Anti-semitic remarks. "Are you slow? Do you have a screw loose?"-coworker at other job. Anti-Semitic remarks. Customers, coworkers, and strangers insulting me and playing mind games at the hardware store lumber yard where I worked. A customer in a van held up a dog collar, smiled, and said, "I brought a shock collar." "That's the healthiest thing I've seen you eat. Do I need to check on your mental health?"-Hardware store coworker while I was trying to eat my lunch and be left the fuck alone. "Stop running."-Disembodied voice of a young guy while I was in my parked car in the Lebanon hardware store parking lot on a break. "You are just trying to be cool."-Hardware store coworker. "Dumbass."-Hardware store customer walking past me when I was pulling weeds in front of the store. "Good luck."-Hardware store coworker. "Stop running."-Disembodied voice of a younger guy when I was sitting in my car at the hardware store on a break. Haha, "How is he doing today?"-Disembodied voice of a guy when I was standing in the lumber yard.

Sweet Home: People flipping me off. "Fag!"-Customer walking past me where I working in a frozen aisle. A guy in the car behind me opening his mouth wide while I waited for an ambulance to pass. Coworkers harassing me. "He recovered." -the disembodied voice of a guy while I was at a Hawaiian food truck. "He's simple."-Produce coworker "I guess you are smarter than the rest of us."-Frozen coworker "Just a drunk ghost wandering around."-Graveyard coworker "You are grotesque."-Produce coworker. Anti-Semitic remarks. A truck driving past my mom's house and a guy screaming, "Faggot!" "He was too gay for treatment."-A guy on talking to someone on the phone when he walked past me with a smirk. People harassing me when I've walked the dog. People flipping me off or shouting at me.  

Misc. "Here is your prize."-Youtube comment. "In a year your favorite James Bond actor can sign your Lamborghini."-Youtube comment. "Beavers are competing for him." "He doesn't even like other birds." "Dracula very well may be female at this point." "Maybe don't read the comments if you are a recluse." "A dick with the face of Freddy Krueger." "Getting strung out on social media." "For a day, there was peace in the universe."-Fred Meyer produce department coworker. "...incel...." "This is my beaver hunting knife."-Youtube "I would meet you, but I don't trust you."-Youtube chat. "Sometimes he sounds like Deepak Chopra and other times he sounds like the Unabomber." "We need to erase someone like this from history." "Is he an idiot savant?" "Vive la France!"

The last eight years was a terrifying, excruciating, humiliating, and surreal mind-breaking living hell. I never wanted people to know that I was a virgin. I never wanted to be famous or an internet troll. I never wanted people to know who I was. 

There is no one who I hate more than the people who harassed me and targeted me on the Oregon Coast and in Aloha and the people responsible for doing that to me. I will always hate them.

I'm not gay. I was never a drug addict or a tweeker. I was never a racist or a Nazi. I've never been a conspiracy theorist. After the years of insults and harassment, I'm scared that I am crazy or retarded now. I'm always scared after what happened to me on the Oregon coast. I never feel safe or happy. I'm tired of pretending to be happy or okay. I'm tired of pretending that things can get better. I wish that I had never been born. It is a struggle to keep living after everything that has happened.

I am ashamed of my behavior over the course of my life. I'm sorry for what my family has had to go through because of me. I'm sorry for hurting my family. I'm sorry for everything.